The Silicon Valley Douche-Bubble: How To Get Inside
Disneyland was just a bunch of orchards in Anaheim, but some bankers threw some money, and hype, at the orchards and created a semi-permanent fantasy land.
Silicon Valley?: Same Thing.
Much like how Oz, Disneyland and federal prisons are enclosed by a protective shroud, Silicon Valley is sealed inside a self-deluded glass sphere.
There are only two official ways to get in. Off of Highway 101 you take the Palo Alto exit and head straight to Stanford University if you want to screw your way in via rape-y internships at sexually abusive venture capital frat-house misogyny factories.
NEVER, EVER go EAST on the Palo Alto Exit for there be “Black People” that a’ way. Many a CLK driving Silicon Honey, with their little white dog, have driven all the way across town for fear of having to negotiate the 101 merge and accidently ending up in East Palo Alto where, they say, Cannibalism is rampant. Don’t worry, if you are a woman you will never see any black people inside the Silicon Valley Douche Bubble. They aren’t allowed to live or work there.
The other way is to come in via Highway 280 on the SandHill Road exit. The first building you pass, on the way in, is the Rosewood Hotel. It was built by the venture capitalists so they could screw their interns and escorts during the daytime, before they went home, at night, to their uptight trophy wives. The rest of the buildings you pass, after the Rosewood, are the Citadels of the Douche-Bag kings.
The douche-bubble has a dress code and a face code. You must have the proper Aryan, rich-family look to get accepted. For men: Khaki’s and Polo shirts. You must look like a slacker because you are so rich you “just don’t care”, but you all wear the same exact khaki’s and polo shirts. You drive a real nice Lexus or Tesla. You only order your escorts from Stanford Hotties or from Tina at the University Cafe. You pay $1000.00 per hour for them.
Your hair must have short permanent waves with some shiny shit in it, to slick it back a bit, or be very carefully styled in a short style. No long hair.
If you are a woman you should be Asian and have a stern dominatrix bitch look. If you are not Asian you should be brunette and still have a stern dominatrix bitch look like the “Lean In” Sorority Queen lady at Facebook. If you are blonde you need to have huge modified breasts and lips and a surgically turned up, and extended, nose. If your upper lip doesn’t close all the way and your teeth are exposed all the time, even better for blondes.
In any case, for all women in the Silicon Valley Douche bubble, you are just sex tools and baby ovens and that is it; so just accept it. If you get a “real job” there, it will be in “HR” or “PR” and you will get paid 40% less than men and constantly groped. Accept it! If you marry one, by the time you hit the alter, he will have all of “his money” hidden from you in the Caymans, waiting for the divorce 3 years from now when he no longer needs you to make him look like a “family guy”.
Your face must by symmetrically perfect. If you are not white-looking you better be East Indian looking for your first 3 years there. For men, you must have a big jaw and perfectly straight facial verticality. Your teeth must be perfect.
For both sexes YOU must ALWAYS smile very large and with your teeth clenched. NEVER smile with your teeth apart.
You must only, ever, hang out and work with your like kind. You must always self-congratulate and tell the world of your wonderfulness at tech festivals, Emergence conferences, TED talks, Singularity events and similar assorted self-delusional bullshit gatherings. You must go to the Crunchies and pay the coordinators to self-award your company from among only those in the Douche Bubble.
It is said that Elon Musk recently attempted to kill accused VC rapist, Joe Lonsdale for seeking to usurp the “King of the Douche Bags” title. Only time will tell how that battle plays out. Some would be shocked if Elon killed Joe. “How..?”, people would say “..How did Elon find time between self-promoting himself on Reddit, Google, the Mercury News and the SF Chronicle (Which our Silicon Valley Cartel own), to kill Joe.. That Elon is AMAZING (he says)…”
Douche Bubbling is not easy. You must buy the right things. Worship money and power. Green-wash-pretend to save the environment for federal funding handouts, while rape-ing half of Sierra Leone’s mineral rights and not be seen at a Denny’s, Ever!
Never read any Midwest news. You will die. You will discover that the entire planet thinks that Silicon Valley is full of the largest, most gaping and pathetic douche-bag assholes in the history of the planet. You will become sad. Only read Venture Beat and maybe Wired Magazine. Keep your head in the game and your heart in the Bubble. Be sure to help run the “Silicon Valley Cartel Anti-poaching conspiracy” so we can keep those Paki’s out of our ESOP’s.
Most of the planet hates Silicon Valley; not just because every member of the joint does, and says, asshole things, but because of the billionaires. You can laugh about that. They made you billionaires by letting you brainwash them with your CIA-spin off websites and “internet experiences”. You may be selling shit, but with 4 billion people paying 25 cents a day for shit and then spying on them, it’s shit good money, though. The Republicans hate you because you funded all of the liberals and their candidates. The IRS hates you because you all have a one-person office in Scotland to avoid paying any taxes.
The rest of America hates you because: Silicon Valley.
Milpitas, California hates you because you suck!
You can sneak into the Douche Bubble via Buck’s Restaurant in nearby Woodside if you buy a VC breakfast one morning. You might think you can sneak in with your business plan and a “start-up” but you will never see a dime of that cash unless you went to Stanford, got approved, in advance, by the Rosencranz’s or Thiel’s, and are part of the Illuminati Stanford elite families. The main reason Silicon Valley Douche Bag VC’s want to hear your pitch is so they can steal your idea.
So you know that you are hated, that you are disgusting power hungry slime. Screw it. Who cares? You have all of their money to buy hookers with. Only a few hookers will kill you, like the Google guy got hooker-killed, and only 3% of the interns report the rapes and Roofie pass-outs. Gosh, look at how long Bill Cosby got away with it. You are golden, Mr. Golden Boy.
The main thing is: Don’t try to move to San Francisco. They will F*ing take you apart there.
Oh, and be douche-y! Good Luck to all of my “Ivy League” Jr. IIluminati trainees.
Love,
J. Doerr
